Communicating our needs can be difficult at any stage of life, and it certainly doesn’t get easier after a baby arrives. The period of new parenthood is filled with challenges, both literal and figurative. Whether it’s struggling to carry a stroller up a flight of stairs or managing postpartum anxiety, asking for help can feel like an uncomfortable task. The desire to handle everything ourselves is natural, but this can often lead to burnout and feelings of isolation.
In the whirlwind of sleepless nights, dirty diapers, and the overwhelming responsibilities that come with caring for a newborn, it’s important to remember that asking for help is not a sign of weakness, but a necessary act of self-care. Parenting a new baby demands incredible amounts of energy, and it’s okay to acknowledge that you don’t have the capacity to do it all on your own.
To navigate this challenge more effectively, we spoke with communication experts and experienced parents to provide you with the best strategies for asking for meaningful help. From family and friends to co-workers and even your partner, here are some ways to get the support you need when adjusting to life with a new baby.
Clarify What You Need
In the haze of new parenthood, it’s easy to feel overwhelmed by the laundry list of things that need attention. Whether it’s breastfeeding, sleep training, or simply staying afloat with basic chores, your brain can easily become fogged by all the tasks at hand. Before you can effectively communicate what you need, it’s crucial to first get clear on those needs.
Dr. Anna Hiatt Nicholaides, a licensed clinical psychologist, recommends setting aside time to reflect and organize your thoughts. “A bullet list or journal can be an effective way to suss out what’s really going on in your mind,” she suggests. Write down everything that feels overwhelming, then sort it according to priority. Once you have a clear sense of what you need, you’ll be better prepared to communicate those needs to others.
Keep Your To-Do List Handy
Once you’ve clarified your needs, the next step is to make sure others know exactly how they can help. Keeping a physical list of tasks can serve as a useful reference when people ask what they can do to support you. This way, you won’t have to scramble for an answer when someone offers help.
Kayce Hodos, LPC, a private practice counselor, explains that visitors often want to hold the baby, which is lovely, but it’s not always the help you need. “What you may need, though, is for them to make you a sandwich, put in a load of laundry, or scrub the toilet,” she says. When people ask what they can do, hand them your list and let them choose a task.
Don’t Be Afraid to Follow Up
Asking for help can feel intimidating, and it’s easy to worry about imposing on others. But it’s important to remember that people may forget or get busy, and that’s okay. If someone promises to help you and doesn’t follow through, don’t hesitate to follow up.
“It is disheartening to have your needs ignored, especially when you’re dedicating your life to your infant’s needs, but you deserve to be cared for,” says Dr. Nicholaides. Persistence is key. If your partner or a friend doesn’t respond to your request, reach out again. Remember, it’s not about being a burden; it’s about ensuring your needs are met.
Use a Meal Service Template (But Not Just for Meals)
Meal delivery services like Meal Train and Take Them a Meal are widely known for organizing food deliveries from friends and family. However, these platforms can be used for more than just meals. Many of these sites allow you to coordinate additional help, such as chores or babysitting.
Therapist Annie Hsueh, PhD, encourages new parents to make use of these services for tasks beyond meal preparation. “Be sure to communicate preferences on how long people can stay and visit with you, as well as information on any dietary restrictions or preferences,” she says. Using these tools can help express needs that may be difficult to articulate in person.
Experiment with Other Supportive Online Platforms
Beyond meal services, there are numerous apps and platforms designed to help ease the load for new parents. Using these platforms allows you to organize help digitally, which can be especially beneficial if you’re juggling multiple responsibilities.
Bethany C., a mother of twins, created a signup through SignUp Genius to schedule visits from friends and family who could help with her babies. “In addition to the physical help, it was really nice to get some social interaction during that crazy time,” she says. Tools like this make it easy to organize support, whether it’s for holding the baby, running errands, or taking care of household chores.
Choose Someone to Delegate for You
If you feel self-conscious about asking for help, consider identifying someone in your social circle who can advocate for you. This person can help make requests on your behalf and take some of the pressure off you.
“I had a friend who demanded I pick one of three ways she could support me, so I chose a Meal Train and it was literally the best thing,” recalls mom Whitney S. “My advice would be to go through a good friend or family member that can make things happen so you don’t have to worry about imposing.” Sometimes, having an assertive person help navigate requests can make all the difference.
Use Social Media (Wisely)
Social media can be a valuable tool for connecting with your support network, but it’s important to use it strategically. Many parents turn to social media to let friends and family know what they need, but it’s important to do so in a way that feels comfortable for you.
For example, some parents use private Facebook groups or messaging platforms to communicate specific requests for help, whether it’s someone to pick up groceries or take care of a household chore. This can take the burden off of asking directly and allow you to share your needs in a less formal way.
Just be mindful that public posts might not always get the personal attention you need, so consider private channels where people can reach out directly and offer their help.
Create a Family Support Plan
A new baby comes with a host of new responsibilities, and sometimes it’s helpful to create a plan with your family or close friends to ensure that everyone is on the same page. This could be a family meeting or even a shared digital document where everyone can see what’s needed and when.
“I created a shared Google Doc where family and friends could sign up for help. It was so much easier to delegate tasks when everyone had access to the plan,” says mom Jessica T. This approach can help you manage your needs in an organized, systematic way, ensuring that you’re not left trying to figure things out on the fly.
Be Specific About Your Needs
When asking for help, specificity can go a long way. While it’s tempting to ask broadly, “Can you help me out?” being clear about exactly what you need will make it easier for people to lend a hand.
Instead of saying, “I need a break,” try being more specific: “Could you take the baby for a walk for an hour so I can take a nap?” or “Can you fold the laundry while I nurse the baby?” Clear instructions make it easier for your helper to understand exactly what you’re asking and ensure they can support you in a meaningful way.
Don’t Feel Guilty
One of the biggest barriers to asking for help is the feeling of guilt. It’s easy to feel like you should be able to handle everything on your own, especially when it seems like others are managing just fine. But remember, no one can do it all alone, and it’s okay to ask for help. You’re not failing as a parent by seeking support — in fact, you’re showing strength and self-awareness by recognizing when you need assistance.
“I struggled with guilt at first, but then I realized I couldn’t do it all by myself, and that was okay,” shares mom Rachel M. “Asking for help is just a part of parenting, and it makes you a better parent because you’re able to take care of yourself too.”
Seek Professional Help If Necessary
Sometimes, asking for help means seeking professional support. Whether it’s a therapist to talk through the emotional challenges of postpartum life, a lactation consultant to guide you through breastfeeding, or a sleep expert to help with nighttime routines, there’s no shame in reaching out for professional assistance.
“I hired a postpartum doula for a few weeks, and it was the best decision I made,” says mother Claire R. “Having someone who is trained in newborn care gave me peace of mind and allowed me to rest.”
Frequently Asked Question
Why is it so hard to ask for help after having a baby?
Asking for help can feel difficult for many reasons, including fear of imposing on others, guilt, or the desire to do everything on your own. The transition to parenthood is a huge adjustment, and many new parents feel overwhelmed, which can make reaching out for help feel uncomfortable. However, it’s important to remember that seeking help is a sign of strength, not weakness.
How do I know what help I need?
It can be hard to pinpoint exactly what you need when you’re overwhelmed. Start by making a list of tasks that feel impossible to handle on your own, such as cleaning, grocery shopping, or even just needing a break to rest. Once you identify these tasks, prioritize them and think about who might be able to assist with each one. This can give you clarity on what help is most urgent.
How can I ask for help without feeling guilty?
It’s natural to feel guilty, especially in a society that often promotes self-sufficiency. However, taking care of yourself is essential for being able to care for your baby. Understand that asking for help is not a sign of failure—it’s an act of self-care and responsibility. Most people around you will want to help, and they won’t view your request as a burden.
What if my partner isn’t responsive to my needs?
If you feel like your partner isn’t helping enough or isn’t understanding the urgency of your needs, it’s important to communicate openly. Have a calm, honest conversation where you express how you’re feeling and what specific help you need. If that doesn’t work, consider discussing your concerns with a counselor or therapist to facilitate better communication.
How can I create a support network?
Start by talking to friends, family, and co-workers about your needs. You can set up meal trains or use online platforms like SignUp Genius to coordinate support. Be specific about what help you need—whether it’s household chores, childcare, or simply someone to talk to. Don’t be afraid to delegate tasks to people you trust.
How do I ask for help without overwhelming others?
To avoid overwhelming others, be clear and specific about what you need. Instead of a general “Can you help me?” try asking for concrete tasks like, “Could you bring me some groceries?” or “Can you watch the baby for an hour while I nap?” This allows your helpers to know exactly how they can assist.
Conclusion
Parenthood is a journey that requires help, support, and understanding. New parents are often faced with overwhelming challenges, and it’s important to remember that asking for help is not only okay but necessary. Whether it’s from family, friends, co-workers, or professionals, reaching out for support ensures that you’re not carrying the burden alone. By being clear about your needs, using digital tools, and delegating when necessary, you can create a network of support that will help you navigate the ups and downs of new parenthood with more ease and less stress.
